Sometimes I really do seem to like to beat myself up.
I’ve always been one to tell people to not care what people think – be yourself and if you know you are not being a total bitch or doing anything really bad – well then you know you have little to worry about.
It’s a fact of life that no matter how good or decent you are – not everyone will like you.
There are some wonderful people out there that have few people in their lives and some not so wonderful people out there that seem to have so much.
Life works in mysterious ways and so much of it is about circumstance. If you put yourself out there you are more likely to get more back. But that’s more back in equal measures no doubt. If someone doesn’t like you – don’t let them make you question yourself or feel bad or feel like you are not good enough.
Some people need to be surrounded by tonnes of people at all times. Some prefer some solitude and a small close group of friends. Neither is wrong, you just have to find what works for you.
Sometimes things happen that force the path we are on in life to go off in a direction we’d not even considered before. We have to roll with that otherwise every day can become a battle.
Thing is, as much as I know this and as much as I preach this and will be the first to kick off when someone makes someone feel bad for no reason…..well, I’ve found myself thinking lately…….I guess I’ve found myself doubting myself too much….and why? Because I am judging myself against other people and what I think others expect of me. I judge myself against the girl I was ten years ago, when in reality if I was still that girl of 10 years ago it would mean I haven’t changed, that I haven’t grown and that would be a big fail on the chart of life, surely!?!
I started a new job when I was not very well, I had to take time out to have a 3rd attempt at an operation. It’s taken a battering on me in mind and body. I walked away from about 18 friends. I had to. I love them and wish them well but I had to change things in my life. I focussed on me properly for the first time ever. Focussed on getting myself well. The friends left around me are wonderful, they are brilliant and I thank each day for them. The work colleagues, well something slipped there. It’s the first time ever that I can work somewhere and not really feel like I know anyone. And I judge myself because of it. I judge myself on not being the party girl that I once was. But I have grown up a lot in that time and grew tired of the fickleness of some routines. This is surely a good thing, yet why do I keep insisting on judging myself against a person I once was, or a scene I no longer want to be part of. If some people at my work haven’t gelled with me yet, why do I think that’s all my fault?
I need to remember that all things happen for a reason and that I shouldn’t try to fit into a shape that I was never built for. I need to be me and embrace that.
Sometimes I have to stop thinking that everything that goes wrong is my fault. That every silence has to be filled or is down to me. I don’t have to be out partying all the time to have a rich life.
Funny how I can be so quick to preach yet so slow to learn things myself.