Don’t let them get you down
I saw this post on tumblr and it got me thinking…….
Being lonely. Feeling friendless. Not knowing what to do with your life. Having no money. Bumbling along. Feeling like you want to shut yourself away. Not knowing what to say……..they’re all the taboo things we don’t talk about really aren’t they?! All the things that once you get to a certain age you shouldn’t worry about anymore or you should know where you are going and what you are doing.
Thing is, I think most of us just fake it really well.
No matter what money you earn you will always want more.
No matter what job you are in, there will be bits you like less.
No matter how much you love your partner, there will always be bits of them you wish you could change.
No matter how many friends you have you will always wonder if you could be a better friend.
You will always have times of feeling lonely.
Hell, I can feel lonely in a crowded room.
Now none of this probably makes you feel better, but if people talked about things more, maybe it would help.
I am of an age where I should have savings, a great pension plan, know what I want to do with my life, be thinking about children and buying a house, have well established friendships.
But reality ain’t so.
A few years ago I realised my lifestyle was not healthy. The people in it were party people and that’s about as deep as things ran. I had to get away. I needed a few months out to collect my thoughts, instead I was overpowered by what could only be described as a very bullying man. I ended up isolated, not knowing who my friends were or where I could turn. One by one he’d seen them all packing with his horrible behaviour. I knew things had to change when I had a serious back injury, I couldn’t walk and had no way of getting myself any food, and he’d cook, for himself. As soon as I could I got out. Some of the damage stays with me today – but I am working on it. That person owes me a lot of money but I decided to see as money well spent to get rid….sounds harsh? Believe me it’s not. There is a lot more I could tell you – but why dwell too much.
I moved back to London and got on with my life. Whoopsie I fell straight back into the old ways, with the old crowd.
I got ill, but it didn’t stop me. I didn’t know what was wrong, the doctors didn’t know, so I tried to pretend all was ok. 18 months of hassling a doctor I finally got them to agree to send me to a specialist.
I can’t even begin to tell you what happened to me during that 18 months. I’ll cut things downs. I changed as a person. Saying things I never really understood. Feeling so down, so pessimistic, so out of control. I was made redundant but managed to find another job and go through the general stress of being the new girl all over again. Whilst all this was going on I also met my current boyfriend. I sometimes wonder what he thought was going on. He met me when I was still trying to find out what was going on. All I knew was I had no energy. I couldn’t even climb 5 steps without having to rest. My heart would almost hurt at times. My hair was thinning. My moods were up and down. I felt so lost. I had other symptoms that meant it was very difficult to leave the house. I had something called fibroid tumours. The effects of one of these was absolutely devastating to my life. I’ll save you the gory details but please believe me.
I felt lost – I hadn’t been told what it actually was that was happening to me and I didn’t really know what to say to friends.
I was having to cancel nearly every social event. The few times I was well enough to go out I felt so weak and so out of the loop I had very little fun. I was becoming so conscious of myself. Was feeling so down, so low and just generally no good.
Years later one lady summed things up when describing her own symptoms…….she said she was insecure like a teenage boy and mad hormones like a pregnant lady. Now I’ve never been a teenage boy or a pregnant lady but somehow I knew what she meant. Thanks to something as simple as a yahoo forum I found out so much about how I was feeling. It was so nice to know I wasn’t becoming a fruit loop.
I ended up having to have 3 big operations in 2 years. The whole thing dragged on for the best part of 5 years.
Can you imagine being that confused, that scared, that weak for that long? Your whole life changes. I hardly managed to go out in that time at all. I was told by a nurse that she had never seen anyone walking with such low iron and had been told I was very close to suffering a heart attack on top of everything else. I am still suffering the after effects today. I am tired all the time and sometimes I get pains in my heart….and I still live in fear that the tumours I have left will start to grow. But I try not to let it rule my life.
Now can you imagine being pretty much unsociable for about 4 years, through very little choice of your own? Maybe some can deal with that and bounce back fine. I envy you if you are one of those people.
London is not my home time. I didn’t grow up here. I have no family here. What I have here I’ve found and made for myself. My career took a hit and I had to start at the bottom again, on those lowly wages, with all the fight knocked out of me, at least for now. I have felt so hurt by some of the friends that just seemed to forget me and move on. They are there in the background, somewhere, but so far in the shadows I just don’t know anymore.
I go out with friends feeling like I am a failure, like I am no fun, like I am boring, I apparently hide this well but inside I am all eaten up and stressed out, nervous and angry at myself for being this way. For becoming this girl that I never was.
Where is the girl that would always be out, always with a gaggle of people, laughing and having fun?
I’ve not wasted the whole experience though. I’ve had time to reflect on my life in ways that many wouldn’t. I’ve really seen the true colours of some of the amazing people left in my life. My boyfriend for one, is still here, still by my side. I’ve started a writing course, something I wanted to do for years. I’m dabbling with photography and the blog world. I’m looking into my health and have started doing pilates. I’ve taught myself to knit and crochet and got my creative bug back. I just don’t know how to meet new friends, to embrace the girl I have become and find people that suit the person I am today. But for some reason we are not meant to talk about such things.
I don’t think it is just London that can seem like a very cliquey place on the one hand but also a very lonely place as well. So many people seem to be alone but shhhh we can’t talk about that.
I’ve been this honest to try to get the ball rolling – to try to get people to talk and to see that through everything bad, good things can happen and to admit that as an adult I still have so much more I want to do and I still have no clue how to go about it.
Maybe you’ll read this and think I’m a fool, but maybe someone out there will find some comfort in the words I have written, maybe you’ll have ideas or stories you can share?
I don’t really know – but one thing I do know is I am not ready to give up – I will find the energy from somewhere to get that life I want……to be a force to be reckoned with (thank you to my doctor for saying that about me.) For now it’s simple a case of watch this space, I hope the story unfolds nicely!