Paper Hearts & Tin Foil Tiaras ♥

The diary of a girl

Month: May, 2011

My Dream

What I’d like….what I’d really like is my own little book store. I’d have it open at odd times, sometimes at midnight.

There’d be glitter heavily involved in the decoration and little tiny china teacups and teapots.

There’d be a little stage at the back for local bands to play. With a little room out back for me, with a vintage desk and a hammock.

I’d have one of those little ladders that slide along the bookcases.

I think I’d have an old school hat stand with some wings and a wand hanging on it.

Cupcakes would be for sale, because, you know, cupcakes cure all ills.

I’d have an old school vintage cash register and hanging baskets outside.

There’d be a rocking chair in the corner with a puppy dog asleep on the cushion.

The logo would be a bambi and a unicorn silhouette.

I’d be very happy thank you.

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Tears of a clown

I suffer from social phobia……or social anxiety…or SAD whatever you want to label it as.  All I know is that it’s a giant pain in the ass.

I spent a childhood being told I couldn’t do things, being told I was no good and all that usual rot and it kind of manifested into me giving up until the day I could leave home or until I had the money to be a bit more independent.

Things totally worked out that way as well.  As soon as I strided away from my home town and the restraints it brought with it (ie this was a real tracksuit and trainers town at the time and I was little miss mod girl – I got abuse).  I found myself; I grew as a person and became quite confident. My picture was taken when I went out and I loved it all.  I was signed up for an agency that picked people for music videos and all sorts.  All things I would never dream of doing today.

Aren’t you meant to get more confident as you get older?

Not me.

We all know the big two incidents that led me to this place (for those that don’t it was an abusive relationship and the best part of 4 years being house bound) – it’s amazing how much it effects your behaviour.  Then on the flip side – if someone feeds you every day, you will have forgotten how to use a knife and fork within about 6 weeks.  So 4 years of limited social activity, of course I am going to find it hard to find my feet again.

I went through a weird stage of feeling no good and so, so ugly at the end of that horrible relationship and then I had all the weird hormonal stuff that went on with the tumours and I frequently found myself getting all excited to go out, getting dressed up, going out and then freezing.  I’d sit in a room full of people feeling so alone.  So scared.  So boring.  So unable to do anything.  My heart would be in my mouth.  I would have mean little mantra’s spinning around my head making me feel worse and worse.  I’d bolt and it wouldn’t be until I was home that I realised I hadn’t been breathing properly.

I’d see people I knew and would look down and rush away or duck into a shop.  It wasn’t because I didn’t want to see them I just had this total panic over take me and fear would kick in.  It was all new to me and I didn’t know what to do.

I was known as a real motor mouth who could talk to anyone and did talk to anyone.  I’d end up with phone numbers of new ‘friends’ every time I went out.  People knew who I was, weirdly. I really had no issues with talking to people.  If anything I was told I talked too much.  So how did this happen to me and how do I get away from it?

My real friends all tell me I am fine.  I might seem fine but I get so stressed out and can end up sometimes not enjoying myself or making excuses at the last minute to not be able to go out.  In fact, the friends I keep near tell me I am still little miss chatterbox.

I don’t feel that way though.

A friend told me I am so far from shy that it’s something else.  He’d be right – but I just don’t know what that something else is…..or I guess I do.  Social Phobia.

The bain of my life.

At work I sit on my own all day.  I can’t really leave my desk other than for breaks and lunch.  My breaks and lunch are quite often at different times to others.  I feel that I don’t know the people I work with.  It’s new to me.  Every job I’ve ever had I’ve made friends that stick around long after I have left that employment.  But now? It’s all weird.  I walk down this corridor to get to the kitchen where our breaks are and you would not believe the dread that overwhelms me.  Just walking into a room where quite a few people could be finishing off their break makes me feel sick.  Yet I do it.  But no one knows the accomplishment in such a small pathetic task.  I’ve been asked why I never join them outside on a sunny day.  There is no way right now I could walk up to a table full of people already talking.  I can’t actually do it.  It’s like my feet are set in cement.

It sounds so pathetic and so indulgent.  I would’ve just told people to pull themselves together, man up and get on with it.  If only it were that simple.

I’ve danced on stages.  Been on stage with bands.  Played an instrument on my own to 500 people.  Had my picture taken for magazines (not those kind thanks very much).  I’ve had a band halt a show to tell me to stop talking…..yet suddenly…….here I am this little shell of the person I used to be.  Consumed by a fear I don’t understand, a fear that I don’t want, a fear that makes me so mad at myself.

I feel retarded for even writing this but realised many people suffer in silence, and the kind of ironic comment is that I am sick of the silence.  I am sick of being locked in that quiet room.

I guess some days are better than others though.  A few years ago there would be times that it would take up to an hour just to be able to leave the house. I’ve never been so grateful for a job as I was in those times, as I had no choice, I had to get out there and face the world.

Now I am trying to face my demons.  It’s not easy.  I wish it was.

I feel I’ve failed this job sometimes as I can’t see how the people here will never not feel like strangers now, that the set up I put myself in was the worst one for someone with a social phobia.  I worry that I am being a bad friend as I am always on edge or worried about one thing or another.

The comforting thing is that I know this is not me.  I know that this is a temporary blip and the more confident me is there somewhere.  I just don’t have the key to let her out just yet.

My doctor asked me how I did it once.  I had no clue what she was talking about.  I asked.  She told me that I had been through so much that she didn’t know how I wasn’t having counselling.  After a little chat she told me that she had never known anyone that had counselled themselves so well and that when I finally work out what to do with all this information that I will be a force to be reckoned with.  You might laugh at that comment but honestly, I really hope she’s right.  In my darkest moments it’s something I cling to, with hope!  I also have some wonderful friends that have been so understanding and patient and I really thank them for that.

I am sure there are people around me that think I am quite rude, or can’t be bothered with them.  I worry that my awkwardness makes them think there is something wrong with them or that I don’t like them.  It’s never that.  Believe me if I don’t like you, you will never be in doubt about that.

I kick myself for all the wasted opportunities there have been and hope that one day just walking into a room of people won’t be such a difficult thing to do.

All the health issues I had can be really antagonised by stress and I have to really try to avoid such situations, kind of hard when I am trying so hard to overcome this phobia.

I’ve built massive walls around me that some people seem to take personally.  It never is, it’s about self protection more than anything.

I can’t believe that I became the girl that once entered a room with such enthusiasm now feels sick to walk into that room.  The girl that would sulk if the phone call wasn’t for them, now runs from a ringing phone (yeah for those of you who know what I do for my job do laugh – it’s one of the very reasons I took this job.)  I never wanted to become this silly person.  You would never believe how much I beat myself up over it, and I am not so foolish as to think that too many of you even care.  I just hope that one person reading this will maybe feel not so alone with their own phobia or that someone somewhere will show someone tomorrow that little bit more understanding and not just write them off.  You never really know what is going on with someone or what has gone on with someone.  You only really know what they tell you.  Sometimes all you have to do is take a second to scratch the surface.  Most people are worth it you know.

I wanna be your joey ramone!

I was walking around a book store idly and one book jumped out at me.  This is quite often how I end up choosing books and weirdly I have rarely been disappointed.

This one was called ‘I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone’ by Stephanie Kuehnert.  I’d never heard of her before but I was a huge Riot Grrrl back in the day and loved Sleater Kinney.  This book is named after one of their songs.

The back of the book kept me interested, another good sign, if I can’t even get through the blurb on the back then what hope is there.

This book was about a young girl called Emily Black, her Dad plays guitar and she knew her Mom was heavily into music, but that’s about all she knew about her Mom, as her Mom took off when she was very young never to be heard from again.

Emily struggles with life like many of us do in our teenage years, she’s finding things she likes and grasping on to things she probably shouldn’t.  Her Father cares for her and is doing the best he can but even years after his wife left he is still haunted by her, longing for her.

Emily forms a band and tries to act tough and indifferent to the effects her Mother leaving had on her.

She eventually has to admit that she is living her entire life based on trying to be her, or at least find her.

The characters are intensely believable.  The description of the scene shows an author who lived it and hasn’t just dreamed it up.  I felt like I knew Emily and felt for her as I journeyed with her on her emotional rollercoaster of a life.  I laughed, I cringed and I felt for this girl, just like I would a friend.

Stephanie writes about the trials of a young girl trying to find herself and find her place in a predominantly male world of music with sensitivity and humour.  She touches on real issues and turns this into a great coming of age rock n roll read.

Buy It.

No other words are needed.

Am I The Only One?

Proms never used to exist in the UK – you would have a lame school disco once or twice a year, you dressed up a little but not in a prom dress, that would’ve gained you a serious kick in or just people pointing and laughing.  It was the usual set up – no food, fizzy drinks and boys on one side and girls on the other, as the night progressed you’d get boys on one side and girls in the middle dancing.  Then as the night came to a close the same old lame song would be played for like the two people that had hooked up so everyone would watch them like some really inappropriate first dance at a wedding.  Lame!

Now it’s all about the Prom.  Which I am sure is all about whether you get crowned Prom Queen or not.  Usually the two cheesiest members of school right?

Worse yet – they would campaign for this ‘honor’.

Shudder.

I’ve never needed people’s approval that greatly or that on mass.  I find it kindof weird.

It’s the social version of only buying clothes if there is another 30 of them exactly the same in the shop.

Isn’t it just unhealthy competition designed to make those that don’t feel like they fit in feel even more on the fringes of school life.

One day people will realise those on the fringes can quite often be the really interesting grown ups.  They had to work at having a personality, they learned to look at things in a different way.  They notice more in the world than just their own reflection.

I love dressing up but I think if Proms were like that in the UK or in my day I’d have just laughed and taken the pee and gone as little Bo Peep – for I am one of the interesting adults obviously ;op

This simple answer is never what it seems

♫ “A birth of broken dreams, This simple answer is never what it seems” ♫

It’s true isn’t it? That song lyric has it spot on. It’s by a band called 30 Seconds to Mars, you may have heard it. You may also be familiar with the Hole lyric ‘I don’t really miss God but I sure miss Santa Claus.’ It made me think. You are born into this perfect world, you have no prejudices, you have no phobias, you have no inhibitions. Yet by the time you hit your teens you will have become jaded. You will have inhibitions. You will have some prejudices. You will have some phobias. You will have superstitions. And your parents will have lied to you. Repeatedly!

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny. ‘Don’t worry everything will be ok!’ All those little things.

But wasn’t it much nicer when those things were still believable. When you thought that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy were there for you. There was magic and mystery in the air. You felt excited by life, you would have fits of laughter at the slightest little thing. Children laugh so often and so freely.

But where do all these prejudices come from? All these superstitions? Can you imagine any adult without them? It would be so amazing to see how differently they act or how differently they view the world. That little thing where children are so honest it’s funny but also highly embarrassing. But they just say it how they see it. Wouldn’t it be nice if adults still did that!? No lies. No deceit. No making you question yourself. No broken promises. The only thing that would be in a million pieces would be Humpty Dumpty and never your heart.

I stole it!

I saw this on another account I have and found myself nodding along to a lot of it – it ties in heavily with the last few posts I have made as well.  Too often we confuse life by thinking success is about the things we own.  We are quick to judge and slow to forgive.  I’ve found in some situations you can make yourself fit in if you bitch about others.  It takes a much stronger, better person to realise if that’s what it takes to fit in with those people then those aren’t the people you want in your life!  It might mean you have a smaller circle of friends, but they will be friends, not just faces that you know.  Before you bounce ahead and bitch about others to fit in – think about who would really be there for you – I can guarantee you it won’t be ‘those types of people’.  Quite often people that spend their time bitching about others will have a gaggle of people around them because no one wants to be next on their list, it’s not usually about having a dazzling personality.  Quite often they are quick to point out everyone else’s flaws so that you don’t take the time to notice theirs.  They are not better than you so don’t let them think they are.  Rise above and if they can’t be bothered to take the time to get to know you then it really is their loss.

Life can be tough enough so why invite more trouble in?  I know if you are being bullied or feel down on your luck it’s really annoying when someone says that things will get better and to rise above, but you really have to try and you’ll see that things do seem to happen for a reason and you just have to make sure you are open to all that is around you and to not carry all the bad things with you – but learn from them and then let them go.

There is someone whose path crosses mine from time to time.  She fits the category of the person I am describing hugely.  She is so quick to judge in a negative way and from what I can see she is always getting it wrong.  I think when she is alone she can’t be very happy.  She just screams negativity to me – and why would you want to invite that into your life?

It’s your life don’t let someone else define who you are for you.

It’s cool to be different anyway!

Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

4. Live with the 3 E’s – Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy

5. Play more games.

6. Read more books than you did in 2010.

7. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

8. Sleep for 7 hours.

9. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

1. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

2. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

3. Don’t over do. Keep your limits.

4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.

6. Dream more while you are awake.

7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

8. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.

10. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

13. Smile and laugh more.

14. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

1. Call your family often.

2. Each day give something good to others.

3. Forgive everyone for everything.

4. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

5. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

6. What other people think of you is none of your business.

7. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

1. Do the right thing!

2. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

3. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

4. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

5. The best is yet to come.

6. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.