Paper Hearts & Tin Foil Tiaras ♥

The diary of a girl

Month: May, 2012

It takes just one moment to reach out but the effect could last a life time

There’s a faraway tear in her eye. Reflected in it are the times she wishes she could lose. The times she doesn’t want but they stick around. Stuck in her head. They weep out of the cuts in her arms, they flood toward the floor, they pool with the tears, yet they still don’t go. They won’t drain away.
She’s been crying for an hour. It’s gone from full on racking sobs to slow silent streams, cascading down her pretty face. The face she hates to look at. The face that makes her jump back from her reflection.
Sometimes she looks into the mirror, really looks, she leans forward so her breath starts to steam up the mirror, her nose touches the coldness of the glass, making her gasp slightly.
She stares, deeper into the mirror – something in the back of her mind takes her back to her childhood story books – she reaches out to the glass but only hears and feels her fingernails tap against it. There is no looking glass, no face to tell her she looks great, nothing in the mirror, nothing on the other side but a wall.
She sighed, it echoed around the bathroom. It whispered back towards her, cold and breathy.
She shivered and looked about. No one was there. Nothing was around. Just herself, her shadow and her destructive thoughts.
She pulled the brush through her hair, roughly, hurting herself, she gritted her teeth to the pain – trying to let all her emotions fall into that pain, to find some form of release.
It didn’t work.
She pulled her hair up, twisting it into a top knot, securing it with some pins.
She took out her hair smoothing cream and warmed it in her hands, smoothing it over the little baby hairs on her head, keeping her hairstyle very neat and prim.
She put her hands on the basin, her arms were rigid, looking down the plughole staring at the water bubbling just out of reach. She sighed again.
‘Get a grip!’ she seethed to herself.
She looked up and beamed at her reflection. The perfect fake smile. She looked at each individual feature as she carefully applied her make up, making sure she never looked at her face as a hole. She focused on her lips as she drew in her lip line. She focused on each eye at a time as she carefully drew on her eyeliner and brushed on three coats of mascara.
She pulled on her perfectly pressed skirt. She looked up catching herself off guard.
She slumped back against the wall, sinking to the floor. The tears came again.
She let them flow. She looked around her helplessly. She caught the glint of metal glistening on top of the toilet basin, she stared at it, it appeared to glow. As though she had no control over her arm, she watched it reach out, stretching towards the metal. As her finger tips made contact she felt her adrenalin soar. She reached out delicately with her fingers, stretching to make contact. She felt her fingers wrap around the razor blade. She held it up in front of her face, she took a deep, excited breath and drew it across her arm.
At first she felt nothing, just a cold steel feel go through her. Then the wetness as the blood began to bubble and break through the surface of the skin. Her head went back against the wall and her eyes fluttered closed, just like a junkie getting their morning fix.
The pain helped her forget, helped her feel alive, dragged her out of her despair.
Minutes later she was plunged back deeper than ever. She looked at her arms with disgust. They were all scarred and marked, old scars, new scars, fresh wounds. They disgusted her. She didn’t want to be like this. She wanted to feel normal. To be happy. To be able to ride the ups and downs of life and learn from them. Not hide here on the bathroom floor.
She quickly got up and ran the cold water tap over her arm. She sat down letting the blood stop and the body start to take control in helping her heal. She patted down her hair and continued to get dressed.
Twenty minutes later she marched into her office. Once again the cool, calm business woman that looked so composed, that seemed to have everything under her control, who could handle anything, little miss unflappable.
If only they knew, if only her work colleagues knew the truth.
She wished they did. She wished she had someone close to her that she could talk to, who she could share her fears and weaknesses with. Someone that would hold her when she began to shake and cry. Someone that would kick her when she needed to buck up, but would hold her hand when she needed that extra bit of strength. She wanted to scream out the truth to them all but her voice always caught in her throat. She didn’t want to act anymore. She wanted to get better. She wanted to feel alive again, to feel all the ups and downs, to be human again.
She felt her legs start to quiver and quickly headed to her desk. She sat down heavily in her chair and turned on her computer, tapping out replies to emails on auto drive.
Then she stopped.
A piece of paper on her desk caught her eye. On it was written a phone number. A helpline. Underneath it was the name of her colleague and her phone number. Another helpline, but of a more human kind. ‘Don’t suffer alone. Dinner at mine tonight, we’ll talk.x’
So someone had noticed after all.
More than that, they had done something about it, they had reached out.
She felt the relief cruise through her veins, her adrenaline pumping in fear, in happiness, for she was no longer alone, someone had taken the time and that was all it took, just a little time, a little energy, the kindness of humans. The importance of reaching out. To see beyond one’s nose. To care. To just take a moment to look around.
She picked up the phone and dialled the number on the paper. Life was finally going to begin again.

Do you ever get a crisis of confidence?

All around you are perfected airbrushed images.
Then you see those people in real life and it can be like seeing a totally different person.
Being in the world of fame must be hard due to that very fact.
You must constantly feel like you are not yourself!
Marilyn Monroe used to cry a lot, from what I hear, about the fact that everyone loved Marilyn but no one cared about her, plain old Norma Jean.

It makes you wonder if anyone truely feels confident and content with their lot.

It was said years ago that I would never be happy – it wasn’t meant negatively – it was meant that I am always striving for more. It’s true – I think you have to keep yourself on your toes to keep yourself learning and growing as a human being, otherwise you just stagnate and that’s not good for the soul, or for those around you.

Some days I sit and smile to myself, happy with all that I have. Yet with just a flick of a switch I am verging on tears, feeling like a failure, that has next to nothing in my life.

Why is this?
Hormones?
Comparing myself to others?
Maybe that is one of the biggest flaws we all have. Comparing ourselves to others? For at the end of the day – we don’t really know everything about anyone else – we only know what they let us know and a little of things we find out. Many people don’t even take the time to get to know themselve properly, so it’s no wonder there are all these crises of identies going on.

Today I might feel really blessed with all the friends I have, but tomorrow I might sit in a panic and start counting friends and feel like the biggest loser in town.

I am guessing reality lies somewhere in the middle.

If I just stopped sub-consciously comparing myself to others maybe I’d be OK.

I mean I do alright, I have a nice job, I have a small group of amazing people around me, I am studying a course, I am writing my second book, I am trying to learn to play piano, I enjoy photography, I know how to chill out and switch off, I enjoy and appreciate the outside world….so all in all I am probably not doing so bad.

Maybe I am seeking reassurance here or maybe I am trying to let you all know that you are probably ok too.

Ladies and gentlemen I have a favor to ask of you all please and thank you

Dear Friends – I have a favor to ask pretty please. There is a new app out for ipods/ipads and it is free and no this is not a spam. Basically if you all go and download this FREE app I get to win a prize, my good friend Jess gets to shine and sparkle in her new job AND the app is really good and it’s from a UK company which is always worth supporting. If you want to find out more about this app check out the review here http://www.technicallyfunny.net/2012/05/iamkonki-ios-app-review.html Thanks people!!! xx

The things you find…..

Isn’t this cute!!!
It’s the sort of thing that is lovely to find – or lovely to leave behind to make someone smile.

I want to hide things like this in the trees

I think everyone could do with more magic in their lives.

Pretty pictures

Open your mind

Clouds & Trees – what’t not to love

Picture/photo manipulation by Chema Madoz

http://www.chemamadoz.com

Romance

Forget being whisked away around the world on a private jet or being given a diamond the size of an egg….if someone set this up for me on a beach I would be made up!

Money isn’t everything you know – it’s the little tacts of kindness in life that stick in your mind.

Tiffany’s

Was it as famous before Audrey Hepburn came along?

I think this is one of the most beautiful and magical advertising campaigns I’ve seen in a long time.

The jewellery becomes secondary to me and I want to go into the secret garden – and unlock that door – so it makes me want the key!